The Interlude

The last thing I said to you was, “I’m really not happy”

I couldn’t leave you without a trace, so I left 4 words to trail my wake.

But you’ll have to forgive me.

I came back to messages asking about my well-being and honestly, I didn’t even realize that I was in the process of building a community, I was just brain dumping and having fun as I went.

Yet somehow, you stayed. You read my words, cared enough to notice my silence, and waited.

So if you’ll have me, I promise to continue brain dumping.

And if you won’t have me, I promise to torment you with updates, till you change your mind!😂

We’ve signed a forever deal, my love.

——-

You see, this year has been war.

Not the kind with guns or blood, but the kind that happens quietly; in your head, in your chest, between your ribs when you’re just trying to breathe.

I’ve been at war with myself.

While walking on the street.

In the shower.

While staring at my laptop screen, when I’m waiting for my network connection to act right, everywhere except the gym.

Those weights were too heavy to think, or breathe😂

But what scared me the most, was that nothing was wrong enough to justify how heavy I felt.

There was no tragedy, no explosion, just a slow unraveling that I didn’t know how to name.

I didn’t want to face it.

I just wanted it to disappear.

And I knew that if I picked up my phone or laptop to write, my mind would drag it out of me, word by word, feeling by feeling, until I had to admit the truth I was running from.

So I left.

I drowned myself in other things. The gym became my only constant.

I stopped posting, quit my job, left a relationship, sat in silence.

Then almost immediately,

I started again.

I got a new job, my company kicked off, I got an advertising contract that I was chasing, and I drowned myself in work.

Anything but looking in.

And the funny thing is, from the outside, I looked fine.

Maybe even thriving.

That’s the complexity of human emotions, and it always humbles me.

How we can smile with cracked lips, laugh and function, all while falling apart.

It’s really terrifying, how well we can pretend, because I was still very functional, still logical, still responsible, still me.

But I also knew that I wasn’t okay.

It was hovering at the back of my mind and it found outlets…

It showed up in mood swings, in distance, in unfinished messages, in sudden cravings and quiet withdrawals.

I don’t know if I’ve fully faced my emotions yet.

Maybe I’m still hiding behind productivity and smiles. But what I do know, is that I’m happy.

Or at least, I’ve found a semblance of it. And for now, that’s enough.

If you’re reading this, thank you for being here.

For waiting through the silence.

For giving me space to fall apart and return.

Let’s start again.