My Body & Me

The journey of Kaizen.

From the moment I became self aware of my outward appearance, I became self conscious and self critical. Everything became a mental assessment of how majority of people looked in comparison to how I looked.

Questions like, “Am I developing properly?” “Is my body supposed to look like this?” “Why isn’t my body growing this way?” “What is considered pleasing and eye catchy and how do I make myself look like that?” “Why isn’t my ass growing?!!!!!” “Are those stretch marks?” “How can I remove it?” Were very prevalent in my mind and gradually, it started building insecurities.

My mind formed this image of how I looked and completely blinded me to how I actually appeared. I felt like I was only beautiful on a “good day” and that I was so huge in terms of body mass and if I didn’t take serious precautions, I’ll be the next guest on the TLC show, my 600 pound life. In one of my weight loss motivation video binges, the internet led me to the term, Body Dysmorphia.

According to Mayo Clinic, Body Dysmorphia is a mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. The flaw may be minor or imagined but, the person may spend hours a day trying to fix it. The person may try many cosmetic procedures or excessively exercise.

After watching tons of videos on people’s experiences with body dysmorphia and what body dysmorphia was about, everything made so much sense, I think I even cried at some point cause I just felt so seen, it was like looking in a mirror.

Throughout my pre teen years, taking pictures repulsed me. One time, someone told me that I looked like a mother and I cried my eyes out (in the toilet cause I’m a hard girl 😂). I attempted to vomit my food a couple times in Senior Secondary and the first time a stretch mark appeared on my arms, I cussed myself out for days on end. I thought I could fix it so I tilted towards exercise: “Calories in, calories out yeah.” I even tried intermittent fasting, eating once a day, tried water fast (it lasted for only a few hours) but in my head, nothing changed, like my body was out to get me, no matter what.

I recently stumbled on the very few pictures I took in secondary school and uni, and I couldn’t believe my eyes cause I looked so good!!! It amazes me how my mental space at that time was cause I was out here thinking that I was as huge as an Elephant. Elephant where??? I am a very beautiful babe. And then I told myself “It’s now I should be worried about my weight.”

I was worried then and looking back, I had nothing serious at all to worry about and now, my mind is telling me to still be worried? In the present? Where does the worry end?

At this point, I’m just tired.

Now, I’m just at the state of mind where I’m desperately trying to love myself as I am NOW. Not how I want to look tomorrow or how I looked yesterday but right now.

It’s one thing to know that you struggle with body dysmorphia and it’s another thing to want to fight back.

I’m tired of trying to get a flat tummy in 2 weeks, I just want to BE.

In 2020, I stopped checking my weight so I can have my sanity back and it helped a lot. I started skipping and trying to eat well. No calorie counting or food weighing or all that. I left everything for eye value and started looking into incorporating more fruits and vegetables in my meals.

I felt better. In my mind, I felt like I could conquer the world. I got over the awkwardness of working out in front of my friends and immediate family; I did a lot of mental work. I was losing weight, feeling confident and thriving (I had progress pictures to prove it too). But the moment someone asked if I had gained weight, everything crumbled like shattered glass.

It was then I realized that the problem was with my mind, not my body. I stopped working out or eating good since then and I’ve just been wallowing and planning without executing.

So we’ll call this second attempt: Morah 2.0. The whole point of this is to deal with my mind and gradually allow my body to catch up.

I can’t do this on my own and because I’m Christian, I made a prayer and asked God for help, for when you catch your mind slipping:

“Dear God,

Help me love myself the way you love me. Help me see myself through your lenses and appreciate the beauty you’ve bestowed on me.

Help me treat myself with patience and kindness and let my first response to self doubt and self criticism be words of upliftment and encouragement.

Help me take active steps towards my goals but also give me the grace to enjoy the process without exhibiting toxic tendencies.

In all the steps I take and things I do, help me love myself, the way you love me.”

Of course, there are other active steps you’ll have to take to back up your prayer and I might just make this into a progress series but in the meantime, if you struggle with body dysmorphia, you can customize the prayer however you deem fit, so we will go on the journey of healing our minds, together.

I took this picture last week and it has become my favorite thing to look at.

Cheers to being better versions of ourselves🥂.

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Catching Up✨

Do you guys know that I posted this letter on the wrong Substack publication??😩😹

I posted this on Sunday and was wondering what was going on with the analytics 😂.

I’ve missed you 🥺💕. If you read this please drop a comment, let’s get to know each other.