Life always feels like I’m passing through…

Journal entry for anyone searching for home

I’ve never really felt a sense of permanence in my life.

And I think this clicked during my primary school graduation. Or atleast that was when I felt the shift, when it dawned on me that everything always seemed to have a time limit.

An expiration date.

I cried hot tears that day. I even still have the picture of my eyes red, exhausted from the stress they’d been through.

Then came boarding school and scheduled visiting days, and scheduled holidays.

Like a polygamous man juggling two wives, my two worlds found an odd rhythm.

My house bed was the love of my life, the one with the queen treatment and delicate handling, while the one at school was the one that held it down for me.

Such an odd illustration but yes!

It often felt as though I lived separate lives.

Like I could shape-shift and adjust to the two environments easily.

No strings attached.

Because in 3 years, I’d be switching schools to start over and choose my personalities carefully, just enough to fit in and blend in without causing a scene.

My bags were always packed.

My box perfectly situated under the staircase.

My family home was rather a vacation home. And even when I spent three months of the school term as a day student, the feeling never changed.

It was all for right now.

Even the season where we experienced low funds was tagged “a phase” by me!

Going into university, I experienced the same emotions. Heartbreak from the school family I once knew, new beginnings in a state I couldn’t even sink my foot into because it was a private school and I could only experience as much as the school walls allowed, picking personalities like infinity stones and choosing to blend in like a chameleon.

Four years will go by, and we’ll start again. A new state for National Service year, the decision to stay “home” or move out, get my Master’s degree, and even the decision to start afresh in a new country.

Nothing is permanent.

Being an African woman, even my surname isn’t permanent. It’s just for now...

My home isn’t permanent because soon enough, I’ll be married to someone, move, and start my own family.

You see, this issue of permanence has always troubled me.

It always gave me the feeling of waiting for the next thing and not truly enjoying the now, because something somewhere will pop up.

It made me daydream about the moment I’ll finally feel rooted, like I belong somewhere for good.

I assumed it would happen when I moved out of my family home and got my cute space.

But then I remembered that I haven’t decided if I wanted to leave the country and start afresh.

For the present, I thought about going hard at work. Maybe if I succeed, it’ll give me something to dig into. Something to hold on to.

But trust me to pick an industry where news can go stale in less than 24 hours.

Time waits for no man and marketing, is that man.

The trend turnover rate is high. Rejoice your win too much, and you’ve missed a significant change in the tide.

Game over.

And the funny the is, during a conversation with a friend over the weekend, the issue of impermanence came up, and the shared experience made me smile.

It also made me a bit gloomy, the idea of not knowing when I, myself will feel rooted, realizing that no one even has this figured out.

We’re all still searching.

I always wonder when I’ll start to feel it. But coming from a girl that can picture herself in any scenario, moving to any place, has many talents and can do a lot of things? This feels like a far-fetched dream.

Will I continue to be in this loop?

Playing the guessing game, always waiting for someone… something?

I also let go of things very easily, so even then… what if I acquire everything and still feel like I’m floating through time?

When does home finally come? And in the meantime, what should I be doing?

Exactly this?

I’m a firm believer of everything falling into place, I’ve experienced it more times than I can count.

But it doesn’t stop me from wondering. When will the ground beneath me stop shifting?

When will I finally plant roots and trust that they’ll stay?

Or should I rather exist regardless? Move in regardless, spend regardless, feel regardless, invest emotionally and just let life do its thing, regardless?

I do love a full circle thought process, don’t you?

So cheers to existing regardless 🥂